I just read someones vent blog post, and now it makes me want to vent (mainly b/c of something that was said in there about me...) First of I'm really tired of the general label that I play Maple Story all day b/c in all honesty I dont. Just because you may see me play when you come visit/come home doesnt mean I've been doing that all day. I've in fact cut down on MS a lot recently and if you dont believe me then ask Steve or Ken. Maybe if you spent more time in the apartment around me you could better judge my day and how I spend my time, but since youre not, dont. Somehow I feel that venting in this blog is safe, but isnt, because I know no one reads it, but I feel that one day someone I write about will randomly read it and see what I have to say and then get all upset. I guess I'll never know. I can say that I see where the person who wrote their vent blogpost is coming from and I can agree with them, but I just irritates me when ppl go "oh he plays MS all day". No I do not exactly lead a lifestyle that compliments theirs, but you know thats a two way game. Its not entirely my fault I dont do anything them, b/c its equally their fault. The fact that we dont share any common interests is just life. I've grown to accept that and not expect anything from this person anymore (boy that sounds really mean but I cant word it a nicer way right now due to my mood). Summer is a good break for lots of people to get away from the people they see every day on a regular basis in college. I hope that once school starts up again in late Sept we'll all have clean slates to start from. Unfortunately for me I'm stuck in the oven known as Davis all of summer and get to bore people with my constant MSing. This is my last year at Davis and I'm really really bummed and sad about it. Junior year was the worst emotional roller coaster and I'm hoping that senior year will have better things to offer. Although the workload senior year will only be more intense. Everyone always brags about how they only take 2 or 3 classes and have it nice and easy...unfortuantly for me thats not the case, as I've got a full workload til the end. I'm kinda determined at this point to be around ppl I know as little as possible for fall quarter just b/c I feel like theyre fed up with me. When you see someone everyday or close to that you get bored of them. I figure maybe if I take a break from everyone for 3 months maybe things will fix themselves come winter quarter. I dont know really. The only two people I feel like I can always turn to for a talk and know that they enjoy my company are Charisse and Christy, which I am happy with but I feel like thats a failure. The reason for this is because I feel like I havent established any solid friendships in college to have a really good friend I can turn to and talk to, I'm still relying on OHS friends. But the fact is that college is so full of mindless drama which tears friendships apart and I try to avoid all I can, but nonetheless it makes establishing solid friendships hard. I use to think that my dorm friends and I had very strong friendships but that all changed as I drifted far from most of them. That left Ben, Andie, and Kevin as the only dorm people I still interacted with, but Id hardly call what Ben and I have interaction. Andies always busy and frusterated with Newman and now Kevins off to Hungary. It would seem that my next logical closest friends are my apartment mates of which I am good close friends with, but as I mentioned above, I think they need a break from me or else theyll lynch me. I've kinda given up on the relationship thing because I only have a year left and most of the girls I do have a crush on/have feelings for are not from the same year which would mean that I'd graduate and they'd still be in Davis. I dont want a relationship to have to go through the drama of the status 'long-distance relationship' because Im sure it wouldnt last. Besides I'm too shy to confront these girls anyway and I feel that perhaps thats best for now. I think one of my greatest fears is that I'm going to leave college like I left highschool, having strong friendships but leaving them behind to start a new life, and I dont want to do that now, I dont want to lose the friends I've made in college or else these last four years would seem to have been in vain. But for now it would seem...no girlfriends, no best friends; just me and the mind forging on into the unknown future. I guess that just means I have a girlfriend and best friends yet to be made. Thats what my last year if for then.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 2:19 PM

Hmm I havent posted in a while and a lot has happened since my last post, mainly three large events: Spring Retreat, Yosemite, and Finals (funny how I rely on facebook albums to see what happened when). I guess its only fair to start chronoliogically w/ Spring Retreat. First off, it was awesome, not as spiritual as Winter Retreat, but by far more awesome due to the location, the people, and the group dynamics. The place was just so great, out in the wilderness in a town of like 45 and I saw and got to touch real snow for the first time, that was great. I really liked my group as well because there were four people in it that I knew as aquaintances (sp?) in Newman but as nothing really more, but afterwards I got to know them a lot better. Haha I can say I already knew quite a bit about Arnell and having in the group was just a nice plus b/c hes a great guy. But I am glad I got to know more about: Scotts personality, as interesting as it may be; Amys life and how frank and honest she was and how willing she was to share such personal matters, I was kinda bummed how in Winter Retreat I really didnt get to know her at all even though she seemed really cool; Kyles version of his story on certain matters, which were important to me b/c hearing just one side doesnt seem fair, not that I had judged him earlier but it just made me realize where he was comin from and he also flattered me a lot which was real nice and made me feel better about myself; and Alyssa's story(ies) which were cool to listen to and plus she makes me laugh which is a rare thing for me, a much appreciated trait. It was also cool how we went and got to interact w/ so many ppl yet we only got to know those few really well, and also how I went w/ my whole apt, but I didnt feel like I spent all my time with them, in fact I spent virtually no time w/ any of them. It was overall just a nice feeling and experience. The retreat helped me get over some personal obstacles. Now for Yosemite... theres so much I can say about how awesome it felt to finally go there but somehow words cant explain it. Ive been wanting to go to Yosemite for a long time and Kristen and I always had plans to go but she never wanted to go just w/ me, always with a group of other ppl, a group which never materialized. But this group of ppl I went with (10 others) were so awesome. The best part about Yosemite was it was like a retreat minus all the religious and self-esteem building stuff, but by far the best part was going with a group of ppl I didnt know as well, so I made a lot of new friends out of old acquaintances. Im just really happy I got to make new friends while having a blast. It was just so awesome there, the hike up to Yosemite Falls was possibly one of the best experiences this school year, especially considering how low this school year has been for me. I really want to go back, only problem is I dont really have anyone to go with, or those who want to go cant b/c of time conflicts or budgetary problems. I'm planning a second trip Sept 17-21st and I'll see if something comes of that (hey if youre reading this...lemme know if you wanna go:-D ) Despite all the stress it was such a great experience...just soooo awesome. I mean geeze, I even managed to pull off a few smiles here and there durin that trip, which is rare for me as most people know. Third event was finals week (which includes Epic Quad Battle II). EQBII was soooo fun. I had this great idea to make crusader tunics for Newman folks fighting so I enlisted an army and got Andie to help me w/ the tunics and we looked sooo awesome on the quad. We stood out and people knew it. All I can say is next year will be sooo much better for us, trust me. EQBIII, watch out. Oh and another fun highlight of EQBII was that the last battle of the afternoon was between Newman (Catholics) vs Campus Crusade for Christ (Protestants) which was just so funny and ironic. Just worked out that way, not really planned. Finals week was also an experience as it always is, mainly just b/c everyones freaking out so much and studying for hours on end, and then theres me...who puts in so little effort during finals week. :-D people always get mad at me for that, but thats b/c I just feel confident in myself and as I told Michael "Dont you go to class to learn the stuff there the first time...? So you dont have to pour over notes and books hours the day before finals...?" He somehow didnt agree but thats ok. I did very well on my finals and am quite happy w/ my grades, even though I kinda expected them to be what I got (not to sound cocky or anything...just how things turned out). And now summer beings. I'm at Oxnard for now, but only for another 9 hours, for I leave tomorrow morning back to Davis, what I kinda refer to as home now. I finally brought myself to telling my family that I'm planning on doing the Peace Corps after college with varied responses, none of them "good for you!" but rather "whats that?" or "whats the point..." or "dont you want to reconsider...you might die or get married there..." But whatever I want to do it and thats that. Until next time....absent audience.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 8:24 PM

Considering the last post I feel obligated to report that last night I laughed so hard I cried with Ben ....over a rather taboo topic. Lets just say it had something to do with bagels and bagettes. Today was also a very good dinner with Trisha, Lawrence and Steve in the DC, good laughs there. :) Thanks guys, you make it worth it.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 12:01 AM

Hmm this qtr has been quite bland. School-wise I expected a much easier work load (compared to last qtr where I had 5 classes) mainly because I didnt expect geography to be much of a challenge to a geography nerd like myself. In fact I am reallllly looking forward to the term paper for that class because we get to make up our own nation and define it in terms of political geography. Unfortunately my other three classes slapped on a heavier workload, mainly Pol 137 and Com 157 which are mentally intensive and reading intensive, respectfully. History is fun too and not that much of a stress, its actually easier w/o Brower teaching it; however, due to this fact I have done virtually no reading for the class. Pol 137 is so dense it hurts but the professor is really excited about it so class is easier to sit through. At least this qtr I have higher expectations of myself, I suppose this is a drastic change from last qtr where all was doom and gloom school wise, at least now I'm back on my feet scholastically. Got an A on my first comp lit paper which made me very excited and got a B on my history midterm which isnt bad considering the amount of reading I've done for that class. My mind is focused back on school (sorta...) and I'm proud to say that I've re-established myself in that area despite all my drawbacks last year. Only draw back is that I'm spending yet another summer here studying. Well that was school...now to turn to social business. My old friendships are all loosely held together. I missed Andie, Nicole, Mike, Lillian, and am missing Staceys birthdays. I had reasons for them but no reason is ever good enough to miss a birthday. Only person thats actually showed up at the MU patio is Aubree but we hardly talk anymore. Things in Newman arent exactly improving, theyre more or less stagnent after what I'd classify as the loss of a friend there due to rumors. Maybe this upcoming retreat will help build new friendships. Things in the apartment arent exactly going swell either. I've been recently having lots of headaches which has made me very irratable thus causing me to get angry at my roommates. The lack of doing chores and taking off shoes irritates me...greatly sometimes. I hate spending weekends cleaning, although I do enjoy the satisfaction of a clean place, but then again they just mess it up later. I am convinced I've lost Ben not only as a roommate but also as a friend. I never see him and his new personal life will only continue to draw him away from old friends, but I do wish him happiness because he deserves it. I think everyone here deserves happiness, although I doubt I'll ever get that back. Laughing and smiling are hard now but I do manage to smile every once in a while. The fact that I'm currently listening to Guster which brings back memories doesnt help my mood. But thats ok, I dont expect much change in that area any time soon and I've learned to be content with that.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 9:12 PM

as sad as i feel right now, b/c of a song, i dont think i could possibly be happier. its the oddest feeling but in my sadness i feel complete peace and serinity and just good. The song is 100 years by Five for Fighting... It makes me sad because it makes me think of my life both past present and future and how i dont see my life as following that path. it makes me reflect on my relationship with kristen and just apply that to the future. I really want to have my own family (as my previous post may have indicated) and regardless of whether or not I wanted it to be with kristen I now have lost my sense of self. I dont think I'll ever find someone to fill the 'void' kristen left behind which may sound quite pessemistic and does make me sad but at the same time i feel in my heart that that will not stop me. i know that my mom raised me to have a big heart and i cant let that go to waste. as odd as it may sound...ive been recently wondering what the age min for adoption is and what/if id be a good parent. i look at all my friends and see in them such potential to be great parents and i know that they will be (*wink wink nudge nudge* maybe theyll need a godfather or best man or groomsman or priest), but then i wonder how id be. its kinda hard when you find someone you really love and want to spend the rest of your life with to find that they dont want to spend it with you, to me it reflects on my family skills in general. i have this nice idealized fantasty that ill go do the peace corps for 2 years after college and then study polish and perhaps fine tune some other language in Poland for x years, maybe one or two, and then i'll start my life in Poland or maybe back in the US. all my idealized dreams and hopes of a rebuilt relationship are probably to no avail but theyre all i have and i cant really drive them away. how can love be so wrong when it feels so right...?

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:14 AM

Ive come to the conclusion that when/if I'm a dad I'll name my boys outta this list of names Adrian, Damien, Lucian, Gabriel, Dominic, or Emil (Jr.) and girls Lydia, Ariadne, Natalie, Kaylee, and some version of Ch/K-rist-en/a/ina just b/c of the role girls w/ that name have played in my life (yes more than just 2...) Middle names can be reserved for saints/loved ones/family. Guess that shows just how much I've been thinking about 'my' family... *shrugs*

Emil's thoughts took float @ 5:55 PM

Newman isn't turning out to be the solution to my woes as I thought. I never meant it to be a place for me to run away from my problems to, but rather a place to seek solace and peace at mind. Initially it was quite hard b/c I hardly knew anyone and there were all these solid friendships already established. now, 3 months later, I can say that I know quite a few people and have made some friends but it has turned out that what I came to Newman for has only been reintroduced. Kristen still is on my mind although not as often. I'm learning to be happy for her as she is now because I know now that she is happiest this way and I guess that is the most importnat thing to me. I cant help or change the fact that my emotions mean little to nothing to her, so I am slowly trying to learn to live with it. I thought that by making new friends and meeting new people I could get my mind off of Kristen. Instead I ended up developing a crush on someone which now has turned into jealousy and anger and isnt making anything better. Currently the only two people that can make me happy 100% w/o any concerns of friendships or relationships are Christy and Charisse, my non-Dorm and non-Newman friends. To them I can spew my frusterations and in turn hear theirs and feel like I have someone to talk to. But...I dont want that to be the case. I'm trying to get my dorm friends to hang out this qtr during breaks on campus, but so far no one has made an effort or their breaks all conflict. Youd think that between a dozen people at least someone would have a break at the same time. I dont know what to do with Newman, I feel like I want to back away from it because this crush is only driving a wedge between me and some of those friendships, only b/c of me but I cant control my emotions. Its kinda hard when you think the girl you like likes your roommate... That alone is yet another problem. I have 4 guy roommates...yet I feel that I dont have any guy I can talk to. Most guys have a guy best friend which they share all their good and bad times with. My closest guy friend is Ben but recently I feel like that friendship we have is just going away, hes hardly around, always doing Newman stuff and most of the time when he is here hes joking around or venting to Steve. I guess I'll just stick to the only two best friends I have...Christy and Charisse.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:20 AM

This past weekend was very tedious and these next three weeks will be no different. Having 3 term papers (all 10pgs) due within a time span of 7 days makes life hard. Yes I could have started them earlier but I choose not to and now I am paying the price. Then again...I've had something going on since the second week of the quarter, wheather it be midterms or essays. This quarter has been tough. Now I know I can handle 5 classes, b/c this quarter I have five intense classes and I am making it through, although its causing severe mental trauma. Well 1 term paper down, 2 to go, then 5 finals (one of which is an essay >:-O) I had a talk w/ Aubree recently to ask her stuff thats been on my mind for the past 3 months and the conversation took an emotional toll on both of us. I'm not quite sure what grounds we're on with eachother now. I fear what I told her may have upset her quite a bit, but it was only the truth. In light of my sad emotional life I am still plagued by constant dreams of a certain person and sometimes they make no impression on my day, but sometimes they make me have such a lousy day. I've been having weekly lunches with Christy recently and they've been helping me a lot, just to have someone to talk to and get stuff off my chest. Christy is one of my dearest friends from OHS and I'm really glad I have her to talk to. Wednesdays noon at Hunans, join us for a rant, a chuckle, and perhaps a moment to go "'hmm' *rubs chin*". Although that time is subject to change next qtr... I find myself having a crush on someone that I do but I dont want to have a crush on. I dont know if I'm quite ready to even attempt to jump into a relationship, although its what I really want. That and my self-image is really low so I dont even know why that person would like me back, especially since I am convinced that many a guy has a crush on them. I cant deal w/ these emotions now...I have way too much school work ahead of me to deal w/ them.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 12:27 PM

I need someone to talk to... soon.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 1:58 AM

Not much has happened since my last post but one event did happen which greatly impacted me. This weekend I went on a retreat w/ Newman (the student run Catholic Church here in Davis). My main reason for going on the retreat was mainly to get to know people so when I go to Newman I dont just sit around while everyone else gets into coversations w/ their cliques. Spirituality wasnt exactly #1 on my list which I did feel guilty about. I was really hesitant at first about going because I had 2 miterms the monday after we got back and a midterm on thursday (tomorrow!). After a great debate occured in Steve's mind we finally got out of the apartment. I assumed I'd ride with Ken Michael and Steve just because thats how we came to Newman, and why should we split up if all our stuff was already in the car and Ken was willing to drive...? However it ended up that I was put in a car with Haley, Stephanie (two girls I hardly knew) and Jackie who I know reasonably well. Haha I joked around that Id come out of the car a girl with all that estrogen and people laughed but I was cool w/ it. Odd fact about me which most of my friends notice is that a large proportion of my friends are girls so I dont mind their company. I just butt heads w/ guys too easily and end up thinking evil thoughts *evil grin*. Odd thing is that due to my current friendships I have certain opinions of people at Newman so I was assuming that car ride would be odd (and I honestly I want to know who arranged this car order because I think something was planned here...). All in all the car ride was fine and dandy and I enjoyed the presence of our great driver Haley and lousy navigator Jackie and expert waver Stephanie. No one wanted to wave to me b/c im scary. The first night of the retreat was kinda odd on my behalf because i didnt know anyone and felt left out because everyone else knew eachother, but by the end of that night things were starting to look up. I was partnered up w/ Arnell who has a lot in common w/ me emotions wise and it was really cool to get to know him, someone who i can relate to. I ended up making some really good friends on the retreat (we'll see how these friendships work out post-retreat, if they work out at all) with Carlos, Jose, Rowena, Stephanie (b/c were the cool kids), Arnell, Laura, and i got to know other people a lot better. Mass was quite an emotional experience but not initially. At first I was kinda weirded out by the fog machine and music. Kneelling for a long time hurt too. I tried to pray but i felt guilty because i was just praying for myself (good grades, good health, mental stability, family happiness) but i didnt feel like i was praying enough for God. Hearing people cry around me was kind of odd because I didnt know why they were crying, not to say I didnt get teary eyed or shed a tear. Maybe thats because I dont like showing emotions *shrugs* bug the sadness never hits me until I see someone I care about being what I perceive as hurt. For their sake and mine I wont say who it was that did it to me but I eventually did break down. I dunno if I'd say it felt good, but the following hugs everyone gave eachother were very comforting and I felt like I wasnt alone and that others were feeling the same and we were all there for eachother. That was a good experience. Overall I was quite happy w/ the retreat and felt like I made some new friends, or atleast laid the foundation for friendship. I hope things will work out well.

Emil's thoughts took float @ 11:34 AM